The Insanity Defense

Yesterday, I had a really bad day. Being handicapped and coming to terms with my limitations, is one thing and even though patience has never been my virtue, I know I can handle it. However, a brutal collision with human cruelty and indifference when I am at the most vulnerable state of mind possible – is a completely different story. And, if it is any consolation to anyone – it took a full month of emotional abuse to break down my spirit.

So when I finally lost it, I came to work, I poured my heart out in my bosses office, I cried on her shoulder for a moment and at the end I received a bear hug (I strongly believe hugs have healing powers, which is why long distance relationships are as pointless as having sex over the phone 🙂 ). Five minutes later, I left her office practically cured, with a deep urge to translate my feelings into words and write a blog about my awful experience. But, that was yesterday. Today is a completely different day and I am in a quite contrasting state of mind, which makes me want to defend my insanity. Besides, I am a woman – I have a scientifically proven right to be irrational and act crazy 🙂 .

After years of searching for Mr. Right I have finally came to a conclusion that the only right man for me who would fully understand me would be Woody Allen. Yes, I am aware that I am way pass Lolita’s age 🙂 . But I will still make an argument that we are a perfect match, since we both represent the same level of madness, we really don’t give a shit what other people think about us and we have developed this most amazing talent – available to a very few people – like, making fun of ourselves to make other people laugh 🙂 . It is a brilliant tactic that allows us to talk about absolutely all topics, including those classified as embarrassing, without ever hurting anybody’s feelings 🙂 . Not to mention, avoiding law suits 🙂 So while those happily and unhappily coupled, seek consolation in discussing their issues with each other, hoping that their partners will sympathize, I started reaching out for Woody Allen’s words of consolation in his book: “The Insanity Defense.” This way, without ever being lectured, judged or criticized – I recover from my mental crises by injecting directly into my blood stream a huge dose of laughter. I call it a perfect balance between Yin & Yang.

This time I chose: Selections from the Allen Notebooks, … “a secret private journal, … which will be published posthumously or after his death, whichever comes first.”

Getting through the night is becoming harder and harder. Last evening, I had the uneasy feeling that some men were trying to break into my room to shampoo me. But why? I kept imagining I saw shadowy forms, and at 3:00 A.M. the underwear I had draped over a chair resembled the Kaiser on roller skates. When I finally did fall asleep, I had that same hideous nightmare in which a woodchuck is trying to claim my prize at a raffle. Despair.

It was such a relief to learn that the same sound of madness accompanies me on a daily basis. And here is a sample …

Monika’s charming house was perfectly settled on the top of the hill overlooking Mt. Beacon. I would’ve called it La Casa de Femme, if not for the fact that her roommate happens to be a MAN. But, I am hoping that after socializing for an extended period of time with similar to us witches who already started to corrupt his mind with toxic ideas, there is a great chance that he will become just another girlfriend of ours 🙂 . I call it feminization of masculinity – this is as close as any man can get to understand a woman 🙂

So after the party was over, I made my way to the attic, where I was suppose to spend the night. After going back to the second floor to use the bathroom, I thought of closing the shades in the window, but the acrobatics I had to perform naked in order to get inside the bathtub using crutches without killing or injuring myself even more – completely preoccupied my mind. The next morning I learned from Monika that no one uses this bathroom, while a quick look outside the window made me realize that after my last night’s solo performance, her neighbors will be looking very much forward to more parties at Monika’s house. Got bless I am back to my body from 10 years ago – surgeries can really do miracles 🙂 .

Back in my bed, I have realized that I didn’t even have to close my eyes to fall asleep. The darkness in the countryside is quite overwhelming – similarly to the silence. Another weird thing about the suburbs is that wine stores close down at 7:00 pm. A very painful discovery especially when you are counting on the local suppliers. I guess in the countryside – after the darkness falls down – it is among the civic duties of the residents to “create a surplus in local population” and not to full around with a glass of wine in your hand 🙂 . Nevertheless, a mixture of wine and beer purchased at the gas station, which reminded me of our sober Utah trips, saved me from insomnia with ghosts and vampires running in the background and I have vanished into the arms of Orpheus without any signs of procrastination.

The next morning I opened up my eyes to a glorious view outside the window thinking that I am looking at Mt. Beacon. It was just another deception, although quite pleasant to look at 🙂 . Then I have realized that I am facing some obstacles. The downside of having a man in the house, with which you just made an acquaintance, is that it is expected of everyone to maintain some sense of decency – even if it is going to be only a temporary arrangement. But, it is almost impossible to achieve, when you happen to forget the bottom of your PJ’s and refuse to dress up before you take a shower in the morning. So hoping that everyone is still asleep, risking killing myself going down the stairs for the first time without the crutches so there is no sound of banging echoing through the house – I made it to the bathroom without causing any major drama or scene. But, the real problems resurfaced, when I safely returned to the attic. I couldn’t find my fresh underwear! It caused me serious frustration on the edge of nervous breakdown 🙂 , because I remembered I packed it up! After diagnosing myself with first signs of Alzheimer disease I made a mental note that I should start getting into a habit of making a list of things to take with me on the girls road trips – just like my 30 something years old male friends – so I could live in denial for a few more years 🙂 After dressing up, I buckled my brace on the right leg, I gathered all my belongings and ready to go I removed the rubber band from my hair. That’s exactly when I noticed that I am holding in my hands my fresh underwear, which I used last night to tie up my hair since I have forgotten to bring a rubber band. After completely loosing patience with myself, with a knot in my hair – because I also have forgotten to bring a hairbrush, I went downstairs trying to move very slowly and taking soundless steps 🙂 . After walking into the kitchen, I looked at Monika and her roommate sitting already at the kitchen table across from each other, drinking coffee and whispering. It actually made me wonder, if they have ever left that room since last night, but not trying to ruin the mood they were in, I asked them whispering, why are we whispering to each other? They told me that Viola, who was nesting in the living room on the couch was still asleep. I looked at her and seeing her moving I said:

  • Viola this is your wake up call! I am not fucking whispering!

Half an hour later, sipping on coffee and tea – obviously not at the same time 🙂 , we have learned about Saily’s car accident the night before and out of pure female solidarity we drove down to her house to cheer her up and then we went out for Sunday Brunch to talk nonsense, laugh and enjoy each other’s company. Someone once said:

Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.

As Friends, I think we have met all requirements. And as I have said many times before: men come and leave, while true girlfriends stay in our lives forever – for good time and bad time (without signing any papers to prove it). And any vivid sign of insanity among some of us 🙂 is not going to change the way we feel about each other. Therefore, I cannot promise you, I will be more serious going forward, because it would cause me to lose my sense of identity and I am not looking for acceptance 🙂 …

Philosophically speaking, after all, Woody Allen has made a lot of money over the years on his own version of madness …




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